Great post, Tobi. The section on soulmates reminds me of a tweet I saw recently. It basically said that when we have a long-term partner we're choosing to be annoyed or frustrated with the person we love most. Because when you hang around anyone for an extended period of time, it's inevitable that you'll be annoyed or frustrated at some point. That flys in the face of the idea of a soulmate. And it's probably at the root of a lot of breakups and divorces.
Haha I love that line too. I thought about starting the essay with it but ended up switching things up. A
Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I heard someone say “marriage is NOT saying yes to the things about your partner you know and love, it is saying YES to the things you don’t know that will annoy you”😳
Another amazing piece, Toby. I’ve been thinking about these ideas quite a bit lately - how much of the good (or even great) we miss if we’re only willing to accept perfect.
In looking for or believing in something that’s marketed as perfect out of the box, we really discount our own agency in shaping how that thing turns out. Things don’t merely happen to us. We also mold the way things turn out via our attitude, effort, actions, and perception.
Also, this line really hit: “Do you really want the job or what the job might say about you?” I spent a lot of time falling in the latter and it’s cool to pull yourself out and start thinking about opportunities through the lens of the former.
thanks Syd, I hear you. I've been guilty of idealizing certain things to the point where sometimes I can't remember why I ever had that ideal in the first place 😅
"Things don’t merely happen to us. We also mold the way things turn out via our attitude, effort, actions, and perception" this is really the key, I feel like the stories we tell ourselves lay the foundation that lets us put in the effort, or have the right attitude or persistence to keep going even when times are hard.
yeah haha that job line hit me too and I wrote it! I have done the same, I have an essay called "an obituary to my startup dreams" where I talk about how I dreamed about being a tech founder, but on closer examination, I'm not so sure I really wanted it - I had a bit of a naive view of what it entailed and in reality, I don't want to work 80hour weeks for something so risky lol
I’m working on a startup’s brand right now and the “Tech dream job” promises-broken weighs heavily on my mind. Fulfillment SHOULD come from elsewhere in your life (unless they suck the life out of you first). You gave me a lot to think about here.
As for soulmates, my partner of 14 years is exactly the person I needed to meet, when we met, in order to grow into who I am today. I could’ve embarked on a banquet of adventures (or even lack thereof). Free will showed me to choose his wagon, but acting as if it’s destiny allows me to be present and fulfilled by my “one.” I can’t imagine how unhappy I’d be if I was always on the side search for the BBD.
"unless they suck the life out of you first" absolutely floored me.
Yeah, I've seen the "adulation to hatred" pattern in tech sooo many times. Interestingly, it seemed to be more acute with non-engineers in my entirely made-up unscientific study. a friend suggested this might be because engineers were more mercenary-like, willing and able to jump ship at a moment's notice but recruiters, for example were spending all day literally selling the company all day so it pays to believe the company is better than sliced bread.
happy to talk more about tech and fulfillment if that helps ya.
"Free will showed me to choose his wagon" is beautiful phrasing. But idk what BBD stands for...I feel like it's something so obvious, but my night brain has decided to close up shop for the night
I'm so sorry!! "BBD" = "bigger better deal" which is an acronym I throw around a lot and completely forgot it's probably not ubiquitous haha! Hopefully you haven't had to be with another someone who was always on the lookout for the "BBD" - what a nightmare.
I may just have to tap your wealth of knowledge at some point, thank you for the offer! I did interview engineers this week and their brains fascinate me. You're right, they are a lot more mercenary! When it comes to trying to build a culture, I can't tell if they could care less about it or they care so much that they'll bounce when the promise is broken, so to speak.
haha tbf that isn't what I imagined when I heard "BBD" so thanks for explaining! thankfully, I haven't had that experience. sounds awful though.
sure, let me know how I can help. I've been on both sides of the spectrum - believing too much in a mission/vision (though, at another company) and being more apathetic like "ok sure, this is just work waffle". I always suspect the the engineering culture of a company could be different to that of the wider company
Your sister's line about culture is 🤌
Great post, Tobi. The section on soulmates reminds me of a tweet I saw recently. It basically said that when we have a long-term partner we're choosing to be annoyed or frustrated with the person we love most. Because when you hang around anyone for an extended period of time, it's inevitable that you'll be annoyed or frustrated at some point. That flys in the face of the idea of a soulmate. And it's probably at the root of a lot of breakups and divorces.
Haha I love that line too. I thought about starting the essay with it but ended up switching things up. A
Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I heard someone say “marriage is NOT saying yes to the things about your partner you know and love, it is saying YES to the things you don’t know that will annoy you”😳
Thanks for the shout, brotha!
Another amazing piece, Toby. I’ve been thinking about these ideas quite a bit lately - how much of the good (or even great) we miss if we’re only willing to accept perfect.
In looking for or believing in something that’s marketed as perfect out of the box, we really discount our own agency in shaping how that thing turns out. Things don’t merely happen to us. We also mold the way things turn out via our attitude, effort, actions, and perception.
Also, this line really hit: “Do you really want the job or what the job might say about you?” I spent a lot of time falling in the latter and it’s cool to pull yourself out and start thinking about opportunities through the lens of the former.
thanks Syd, I hear you. I've been guilty of idealizing certain things to the point where sometimes I can't remember why I ever had that ideal in the first place 😅
"Things don’t merely happen to us. We also mold the way things turn out via our attitude, effort, actions, and perception" this is really the key, I feel like the stories we tell ourselves lay the foundation that lets us put in the effort, or have the right attitude or persistence to keep going even when times are hard.
yeah haha that job line hit me too and I wrote it! I have done the same, I have an essay called "an obituary to my startup dreams" where I talk about how I dreamed about being a tech founder, but on closer examination, I'm not so sure I really wanted it - I had a bit of a naive view of what it entailed and in reality, I don't want to work 80hour weeks for something so risky lol
I’m working on a startup’s brand right now and the “Tech dream job” promises-broken weighs heavily on my mind. Fulfillment SHOULD come from elsewhere in your life (unless they suck the life out of you first). You gave me a lot to think about here.
As for soulmates, my partner of 14 years is exactly the person I needed to meet, when we met, in order to grow into who I am today. I could’ve embarked on a banquet of adventures (or even lack thereof). Free will showed me to choose his wagon, but acting as if it’s destiny allows me to be present and fulfilled by my “one.” I can’t imagine how unhappy I’d be if I was always on the side search for the BBD.
"unless they suck the life out of you first" absolutely floored me.
Yeah, I've seen the "adulation to hatred" pattern in tech sooo many times. Interestingly, it seemed to be more acute with non-engineers in my entirely made-up unscientific study. a friend suggested this might be because engineers were more mercenary-like, willing and able to jump ship at a moment's notice but recruiters, for example were spending all day literally selling the company all day so it pays to believe the company is better than sliced bread.
happy to talk more about tech and fulfillment if that helps ya.
"Free will showed me to choose his wagon" is beautiful phrasing. But idk what BBD stands for...I feel like it's something so obvious, but my night brain has decided to close up shop for the night
I'm so sorry!! "BBD" = "bigger better deal" which is an acronym I throw around a lot and completely forgot it's probably not ubiquitous haha! Hopefully you haven't had to be with another someone who was always on the lookout for the "BBD" - what a nightmare.
I may just have to tap your wealth of knowledge at some point, thank you for the offer! I did interview engineers this week and their brains fascinate me. You're right, they are a lot more mercenary! When it comes to trying to build a culture, I can't tell if they could care less about it or they care so much that they'll bounce when the promise is broken, so to speak.
haha tbf that isn't what I imagined when I heard "BBD" so thanks for explaining! thankfully, I haven't had that experience. sounds awful though.
sure, let me know how I can help. I've been on both sides of the spectrum - believing too much in a mission/vision (though, at another company) and being more apathetic like "ok sure, this is just work waffle". I always suspect the the engineering culture of a company could be different to that of the wider company
Awesome, thanks Tobi!