would you rather?
a question for the lovers in the house
While loitering on the shabby Twitter lawn last week, I stumbled across this tweet:
I don’t know how a normal person might react to this. Maybe they’d keep scrolling or even vote. But a question like this is an overthinker's paradise…or poison. I bit the bait.
My mind immediately went into overdrive. What does six-out-of-ten relationship happiness look like? Is that like spending a lifetime of wholesome Christmases together with a single, now-forgiven affair ten years in the past? Or basking in a loving, abundant relationship but one where your partner snores so bad you need separate rooms? Or is that a five?
Why is happiness even the chosen metric? Some untamed consultant out there has unleashed KPIs into our love lives😐. It seems ridiculous to distill the complexity of a relationship into a number, especially when “happiness” can mean contentment, fulfillment, safety, or euphoria. And why does the scale end at 80% happiness? Who is hoarding the serotonin??
Initially, I felt compelled to say that I’d want number one. The prospect of being with one person forever— through the ups, the downs, the grey, the growth…but also the bumps, the droughts, the sowing, and the harvests—seems appealing to me. Several voices in my head tell me that marriage should be singular, long-lasting, loyal, complementary but also…fun and goofy.
I dug even further and found that I want that burning, raging, fully-enveloping love. The PDA. The safe haven. The riveting razzle-dazzle. Our secret language that nobody else understands. Give me genuine intimacy but hold the baby-talk. Let’s drown out the noise of the Earth with the notes in our eyes. And if we miss a train or a flight because we were too busy goofing around, then boohoo, too bloody bad! Yeah, it sounds awfully cheesy…but hearts want what they want. Slap me with that love and affection.
It makes sense that I’d lean this way: we are conditioned to want to have monogamous, long-term, successful relationships. Even those that pursue other arrangements have that internal subsconscious programming on some level. And we like to see ourselves as committed people, or at least worthy of commitment. So there’s inherent bias towards choosing option A— it’s saying that someone will choose you for the long run. And we all want to be chosen.
But option two means you get chosen three times, you naughty little spice. Each time, you recover from the depths of despair, dust off the ashes of anguish, and you rise to a new summit. You revel in the novelty— like hearing your favorite song for the first time again. But then the song is abruptly cut off and deleted off the internet. The artiste goes on hiatus, forsakes the connected world altogether and becomes a monk. You're shattered….until Spotify Discover dangles a talented, unsigned singer into your palm.
Tis’ better to have loved and lost, than never at all? Or better to hold onto your forever not-quite sweetheart but plausible partner?
If I suspend my thinking brain for a second, the answer is obvious. I’d choose option B. If I feel happier than six out of ten happy while single….why would I sign up for something that would decrease that number?
Relationships are not happiness dispensers—they don’t exist to provide smiles on demand. So in some way, I feel the basis of the question is flawed, but if I go along with it, and exclude children from the equation…then it’s pretty obvious that I’d choose the second option.
If life is to be lived, it should be lived indeed. Let heartbreak be the toll I pay for getting on the damn road and making an effort. Worst case scenario, I'll provide job security for a few therapists out there and perform melancholic spoken word while on the road.
Now that I've shared my thoughts on this question, I'd love to hear yours. Share your answer in the comments below (if you dare), and let's continue the discussion :)
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Between the two, it’s option B hands down. But I wish there were an option C, where, over the course of 6 (or more) roller coaster-intense relationships, you can likely hit an ecstatic 10+ or you can be in hell with a -5. That’s what I’d go for. :)
Interesting, thought-provoking piece, Tobi.
I feel like I’m in the box with Schrödinger's cat and I want the secret third option. Which is maybe that A starts out like B, meanders from 8/10 down to 4 or 5/10 when you’re not sure it’s right, but goes back up to 8/10+ because you put in the hard work and that’s what bumps the happiness score. There’s also room for undisclosed, unrequited crushes in there, which are fabulously Spotify playlist inducing if not torturously tragic.