I can tell how difficult this was. Your beautiful eulogy gives your friend a kind of life-extension. But also gives solace to those of us who have walked in similar shoes. My dad and I had a strange exchange one day at a store where he worked. He acted as if he barely recognized me. I was so angry when I walked out. Days later, he took his life. So much like you described, I've replayed that scene in my head for the last two decades. Is there something I could've done or said if I had truly looked that day? Or was his mind already made up? Along my journey, I chose to live a positive and creative life both despite his absence, but also because of that absence. We can live for the ones who fell. Thank you for mustering up the strength to share this with us. Another step toward light in the darkness, beauty amongst the thorns.
thank you for this beautiful comment. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. And I'm sad to hear you too had to replay those moments before the tragic end. But glad to hear your resolve to live for those who fell. I also believe that's possible, and it gives me energy to keep going. Sending light your way!
Thank you for sharing this with me. Your words are heart achingly beautiful and raw. We need to talk more about grief and death so that it is easier for the next person, for us all. I am sorry you lost a friend. I am glad you got this all on the page.
thank you Barri, 100% we need to talk more about grief, because we're all doing it inside our heads in different ways - mourning lost people, lost identities, dreams, the pandemic years etc. have you found any ways to get people to talk about grief more openly?
Feb 21, 2023·edited Feb 21, 2023Liked by Tobi Ogunnaike
so, so beautifully written Tobi. i'm so sorry for your loss <3
really amazed by the way you so eloquently put into words so many truths and emotions that are impossibly hard to describe.
i often think about this sentence you wrote: "it's incredible how much we think we know from the tiny snippets we see." social media makes me feel so uneasy - it so easily creates a false sense of knowing about our closest friends without realizing it's been months since we've had a genuine, 1:1 conversation.
i also struggle with worrying about being "nosy" - feeling i should trust friends will share what they want when they're ready - but i've been thinking more and more about how a lot of people want/need the nosy questions as permission to share their darker struggles (captured so well with your question: "Can I ruin Sunday brunch by prying my insides open to parade my pain?"). starting to feel confident it's worth being nosy, even if it means overstepping every now and then.
Thank you Syd! Yeah it wasn’t easy to write but felt very necessary to do so.
Yeah I get weirded out by social media, especially when profiles are so perfectly curated. You know, that’s just not life. All we see are the highlights.
And yes, I think it’s totally fine, warranted even, to ask those questions to our loved ones. It can be very difficult to bring up certain topics and nobody is wants to “trauma dump” which is a bit of a problem in its own way. There’s a comfort crisis where people don’t want to be bothered and others don’t want to bother others with their loads. But we’re people and we need to share our burdens with others
I can tell how difficult this was. Your beautiful eulogy gives your friend a kind of life-extension. But also gives solace to those of us who have walked in similar shoes. My dad and I had a strange exchange one day at a store where he worked. He acted as if he barely recognized me. I was so angry when I walked out. Days later, he took his life. So much like you described, I've replayed that scene in my head for the last two decades. Is there something I could've done or said if I had truly looked that day? Or was his mind already made up? Along my journey, I chose to live a positive and creative life both despite his absence, but also because of that absence. We can live for the ones who fell. Thank you for mustering up the strength to share this with us. Another step toward light in the darkness, beauty amongst the thorns.
thank you for this beautiful comment. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. And I'm sad to hear you too had to replay those moments before the tragic end. But glad to hear your resolve to live for those who fell. I also believe that's possible, and it gives me energy to keep going. Sending light your way!
Thank you Tobi!
Thank you for sharing this with me. Your words are heart achingly beautiful and raw. We need to talk more about grief and death so that it is easier for the next person, for us all. I am sorry you lost a friend. I am glad you got this all on the page.
thank you Barri, 100% we need to talk more about grief, because we're all doing it inside our heads in different ways - mourning lost people, lost identities, dreams, the pandemic years etc. have you found any ways to get people to talk about grief more openly?
I became a grief coach and hold circles and grief groups!
so, so beautifully written Tobi. i'm so sorry for your loss <3
really amazed by the way you so eloquently put into words so many truths and emotions that are impossibly hard to describe.
i often think about this sentence you wrote: "it's incredible how much we think we know from the tiny snippets we see." social media makes me feel so uneasy - it so easily creates a false sense of knowing about our closest friends without realizing it's been months since we've had a genuine, 1:1 conversation.
i also struggle with worrying about being "nosy" - feeling i should trust friends will share what they want when they're ready - but i've been thinking more and more about how a lot of people want/need the nosy questions as permission to share their darker struggles (captured so well with your question: "Can I ruin Sunday brunch by prying my insides open to parade my pain?"). starting to feel confident it's worth being nosy, even if it means overstepping every now and then.
thank you so much for sharing this <3
Thank you Syd! Yeah it wasn’t easy to write but felt very necessary to do so.
Yeah I get weirded out by social media, especially when profiles are so perfectly curated. You know, that’s just not life. All we see are the highlights.
And yes, I think it’s totally fine, warranted even, to ask those questions to our loved ones. It can be very difficult to bring up certain topics and nobody is wants to “trauma dump” which is a bit of a problem in its own way. There’s a comfort crisis where people don’t want to be bothered and others don’t want to bother others with their loads. But we’re people and we need to share our burdens with others
I found this essay about this girl who went back to edit some of her Instagram pics that made things look as if life was rosy. Made me think of our conversation here - https://www.vice.com/en/article/evj3bj/woman-viral-editing-instagram-captions-photos-exes
Beautifully written, Tobi. My heavens.
Thank you Russell ❤️
Hi Tobi, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Sending hugs.
Thank you Lena! Appreciate the kind words
Beautifully written Tobi.
thank you Martin!